by Kelly Keene

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.” -Earnest Hemingway

It started with the basics. I think we all had smartphones in our pockets before we realized just how smart they’d actually become. Then, once my phone was capable of talking to me, and following directions, my imagination ran wild. I had a camera, computer, calculator and calendar all at my fingertips. It was a true revelation. In the fifteen years since then, I’ve been constantly looking for what else I could control with just a voice command? What other tools could I offload more bandwidth onto, in order to make my busy life easier? More happy? 

Ten years ago, we got Netflix. The Smart TV was a natural progression. Netflix already knew my preferences anyway, so gone were the days of rushing home to catch my favorite show. At first, TVo helped, but now, I don’t even need to pre-program something to record what I’d miss. It’s all just there. Constantly available, like a backup date to prom. My shows now fit my lifestyle, and I didn’t have to explore out of the box content that might expose me to the unfamiliar. I could continuously consume, and autoplay always had the next great episode ready to go. Now, I could dive deep into the only three categories of television I really cared about; true crime, sports, and The Office. We didn’t even bother with family movies anymore. Who had the patience for an entire film? Our separate accounts also spared me the monotony of learning about what my family liked to watch. They would watch what they wanted on their own time, and I never had to compromise my interests. And, if I did want to mix it up with something new, I could just see the top ten list recommended specifically for me. Why would I listen to my wife, when the algorithm knew my whole history of interests?

Siri was a revelation, my own personal maid. I could boss her around without any guilt about speaking in a tone that was too demeaning. She wasn’t really human anyway. It’s incredible to think that she’s only been a part of our family for the past eight years. She’s the same age as my daughter. We adopted Alexa next, and they all synched up with Google Home too. It has only been five years since our home became a buzz with all these new voices and updates about the weather, but I can’t imagine life without them.

My wife and I could finally relax. If we needed to recharge or simply change our moods, all we had to do was say, “play Marvin Gay” or “Beyonce’s new album,” and our tension would melt away with the tap of a foot, or sway of the hips. Those stressful conversations got less frequent, and when the air around us rang out with podcasts and audiobooks, there was no room to overthink tricky marital discussions. We haven’t been to therapy in two years, and it’s as if we just programmed ourselves to get along instead. 

Our cooking got better too. We don’t need to think about what goes in the Instapot. Recipes and Youtube videos guide us from our countertops. And when the smart fridge got online, we had no use for grocery lists or farmers markets. We could program our needs and taste right into the appliance, and it could tell us when the milk expired, or if we needed more Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter Ice Cream. Instacart deliveries made home made meals faster than fast food, and pre-packaged and prepped food services, like Blue Apron or Hello Fresh, made home cooking automatic.

Handing over the finances had really been a relief. Apple Pay, Amazon same day delivery, and one click ordering made it all way easier. Before, when I had to sit down and think through the balancing of a checkbook, or our monthly budget, I’d get headaches. I would stress about what we spent, and if our spending aligned with our values. Now, I don’t have to think at all. Money itself has gotten smarter too, and I just let the technology decide for me, which cryptocurrency to invest in, or when it’s appropriate to Venmo my kid’s their allowance. The banks automatically transfer money around, so it seems as though credit cards are paying off themselves. There is no need to memorize bank account numbers, or usernames. It’s all so much safer when I don’t even know my own passwords. Instead, my computer generates one for me. It’s intimately aware of my face, my voice, my thumbprint instead. And all that memorization of 16 digits, plus a special character or number, can fade away, into the past. 

By last Spring, we stopped holding back. Our doorbell could receive automatically delivered  prescriptions. Our smart plugs brought to life keurigs and microwaves. Our mattress is even smart enough to tell us when it’s time to lay back and get some sleep. Our home became so advanced that we finally knew what true leisure really was. I’d come home, have a margarita pre-blended for me, my next show queued up and ready. Four hours later, my bed could recline, and I didn’t even need to clap for the lights to go out. Our Ring system could screen out any nosy neighbors stopping by to chat. No need to coordinate with the family about what we wanted in the air fryer for dinner. The house really just took care of itself, and that took care of us. The smart Rumba would vacuum away any mess, and our toothbrushes buzzed to life when it was time for the kids to start their nighttime routine. My pre-scheduled update emails went out automatically to the grandparents on a regular basis. I’m pretty sure we have the smartest home on the block. And overall I believe that these home improvements have really improved us. 

More recently, I realized our newfound smartness could go beyond our property lines. So, I handed over my safety to a smart vehicle. No more need to wander to new places, or plan for traffic or detours. Cruise control had been the tip of the iceberg. Now, I could zone out completely and my car always knew where it was going. I never felt guilty about walking out the door, and away from my responsibilities either. I could check on Fido’s automatic dog feeder from the app on my smartwatch, or use bluetooth to voice text the kids.

Despite the back up camera and hands-free steering, though, I haven’t been using my smart mobile as much these past couple weeks. Work became remote, and my Peloton felt more like a real ride anyway. I’d downloaded a dog walker for Fido, and got my kids on Tik Tok and Snapchat so they could be independent, and entertain themselves. 

It may have been last Tuesday, or was it Wednesday, when my wife finally joined the Metaverse. Now, she could have what her extroverted personality demanded; connection and more dialogue with other avatars. As an introvert, I got what I needed too, self-care, and solitude. I don’t think we’ve ever been happier.